STAR WARS EPISODE II-THE DELETED SCENES
by UpcomingScreenPlayWriter
Summary: Many hilarious scenes pack this unrated, uncensored version of "ATTACK OF THE CLONES"


STAR WARS EPISODE II: ATTACK OF THE CLONES DELETED SCENES.  
  
(Anakin awakens from a terrible, horrible dream panting, huffing, puffing, and nearly hyper-ventilating. He has sweat dripping from his forehead as he stares into the dark scared and lonely. Padme comes in and asks what the matter is and he tells her. She looks at him, but then tells him.)  
  
Padme: Sh.it's all right I'm here. Don't cry. Besides, I got something I've been meaning to give you.  
  
(Crawls under the covers and suddenly we Anakin gulping and swallowing down hard as he feels a sensation, or stimulation in his crotch area.)  
  
Anakin: What are you doing?  
  
Padme: Just testing out your lightsaber. What do you think I'm doing?  
  
Deleted Scene: Yoda and the Younglings Continued.  
  
Yoda: Now, children what planet is that?  
  
(One child replies "Uranus" and there's a sea of laughter and amusement overheard amongst the children. Yoda grumbles and moves onto the next planet on the far right of the screen.)  
  
Deleted Scene: Obi-Wan Imprisoned.  
  
(Dooku asks Obi-Wan how is he standing up in the prison containment cell.)  
  
Dooku: Is it levitation? Some Jedi magic trick? Do you got rocket-boosters in your shoes? How are you imagining to stay up in the sky so long?  
  
Obi: Well.uh.(embarrassed) my farts turn into a jet engine. As soon as I start going I feel lighter than a feather.  
  
Dooku: No wonder Qui-Gon use to refer to you as his "stinkiest apprentice."  
  
Obi: I'm sorry if some of us have a problem controlling our farts.  
  
  
  
Deleted Scene: The Arena.  
  
(Obi-Wan looks at the creatures and says.)  
  
Obi: Well.this is great once again I'm looking at two guys in green costumes and another guy in a blue one with a hardhat on his head. Boy, this is better than looking at the guy who plays Jar-Jar. (Sarcastically)  
  
(Move to the scene with the giant battle sequence between the battle droids and the clones.)  
  
(Two clones are seen shooting at some droids the one asks the other.)  
  
Clone#1: Are you sure we're related? Because my skin isn't as light as yours.  
  
Clone#2: What do you mean not related? Of course we're related the cloners specifically made sure that all of us are not unique, but the same in every way, shape, and form.  
  
Clone#1: Well, then how come I'm black and you're white? Huh? How come? Did our daddy have sex with a hootchy-mama on the street corner, or was my mom a hoe, or was our father a intergalactic pimp, or player? Explain that one to me.  
  
Clone#2: Uh.well.let's see.um.(thinks for a moment than comes up with an idea) You tan easily that's it! You're body is much more different than the rest of us.  
  
(The first clone shoots him and says.)  
  
Clone#1: Tan more easier my ass!  
  
(Move to the scene with the troops coming in by an aerial attack only in one shot there's a Little-bird shooting down droids off the rooftops of the buildings instead of the Somalians in "BLACK HAWK DOWN". Suddenly.the Little-bird is hit in the propeller causing a dive to go crashing and colliding into the sand down below. A clone-trooper looks down and confirms of it.)  
  
Clone Pilot: We got a Black Hawk down. I repeat we got a Black Hawk down.  
  
Deleted Scene: Mace Vs. Jango.  
  
(Mace comes out from the shadows with lightsaber in hand and a back-up theme song playing in the background. Isaac Hayes is heard singing and performing.)  
  
Isaac Hayes: Who is the man who would help is fellow Jedi Man?  
  
Girls: MACE!  
  
Isaac Hayes: You damn right! And who is the man who fights for what is right?  
  
Girls: MACE!  
  
Isaac Hayes: They say this cat Mace is a bad mother.  
  
Girls: Shut your mouth!  
  
Isaac Hayes: But I'm just talking about Mace.  
  
Girls: They we can dig it!  
  
(Song ends and Mace stares at Jango Fett and tells him.)  
  
Mace: I'm going to finish you off old school style!  
  
Jango: Bring it on black-boy! Show me what you got!  
  
(Mace then does his biblical and religious scripture reading from "Pulp Fiction" and then as he promises he smites Jango Fett with supreme rage and vengeance.)  
  
Mace: Don't ever call me black-boy. You racist bastard!  
  
Deleted Scene: Anakin loses his arm.  
  
(Dooku slices off the arm revealing a stub and Anakin bleeding and grasping his bony stub.)  
  
Dooku: Oh my God! I'm sorry.It was an accident I swear I was aiming for the blade not you. Here let me get you a bandage.  
  
Anakin: You monster! Now, I'll never be able to try out for the Astro's Baseball Team. They said I could've been their pitcher, but now thanks to you.  
  
Deleted Scene: The Hangar.  
  
Yoda: Strong you are Dooku, but you'll still be Dracula and all of those other creepy-looking characters you played in my book.  
  
Dooku: You can't win. I am more powerful than you can impossibly imagine. Why I could kick your green Muppet ass in minutes and send you back to Sesame Street with Cookie Monster, the Count, and all of those other Muppet Show wannabes. Why I could send you even to Fraggle Rock with the Fraggles and the Doozers.  
  
Yoda: Hmm.you seem to know Frank Oz's history no that, but you have forgotten what powers I possess besides sounding like Grover and Fozzie Bear all the time.  
  
Dooku: Prepare to die wrinkle boy!  
  
(Dooku lunges at him, but the two engage in combat. Dooku tries to make shots at Yoda, but they are all misses and blocks by the older, wiser, and more powerful Jedi Master.)  
  
(Finally, Yoda prevails.)  
  
Yoda: My powers you have seen, you can no longer call me a children's play toy, or an educational motivator on PBS any longer.  
  
Dooku: This isn't over! The war is just beginning.Soon, I'll be the reigning Jedi and you will no longer be a CGI image any longer.  
  
(Dooku gets in his solar-sailor and flies off with skull and crossbones on the flags.) Deleted Scene: The Clone Wars Beginning.  
  
(Tons of shots of aerial battles, clones dying, droids blowing up and dying, Jedi dying, death galore.)  
  
(Suddenly.Russell Crowe steps out in his gladiatorial armor and swords ready.)  
  
Russell: My name is Maximus Decimus Aurelius. Father of a murdered son, husband of a murdered wife, Roman General of the Roman Empire, and I will have my vengeance to.(gets shot in the back by a destroyer droid) DAMN!  
  
Deleted Scene: Back to Coruscant.  
  
(Obi-Wan is seen making some coffee when he sees Nicole Kidman come down the hall.)  
  
Obi: NICOLE KIDMAN! NICKIE! What are you doing here?  
  
Nicole: Don't I know you from somewhere? Hmm.you do look familiar.  
  
(Obi-Wan starts breaking into song singing the "Elephant Love Medley" from Moulin Rouge.)  
  
Nicole: Christian! Uh.I mean Ewan! Oh, God it's good to see you. Let's go make out like we use to on the set of Moulin Rouge.  
  
Deleted Scene: The Wedding and Padme's Secret.  
  
(Padme and Anakin kiss, but Padme says to him after the kiss.)  
  
Padme: It's going to be weird with you and that mechanical hand in the bedroom.  
  
Anakin: Yeah, I know.it'll be like you doing 3P0.  
  
Padme: I have done 3P0. We had sex while you were away trying to locate and find your mother.  
  
Anakin: What??? You intergalactic hussie!  
  
(Scene goes to the "Jerry Springer Show.")  
  
Jerry: Hello, and welcome again to my show. Today we have shocking, revealing, yet somewhat interesting stories of trailer-trash space hussies and the secrets they kept without telling their husbands. Our first guests are Kang, his sister Kodos, and her new lesbian partner Adreena the Mistress of the Stars.  
  
Kang: Well, I invited my sister Kodos and her new girlfriend to stay at my house unfortunately I never thought that I would end up loving her girlfriend too. So, I'm here today to tell my sister that I am sorry for sleeping with her girlfriend and that I want to make a truce.  
  
Jerry: Well, if that's what you want. Bring out Kodos!  
  
(Kodos enters out from behind the curtain outrage and disgusted by her brother's actions and begins yelling, hollering, screaming, cussing, and swearing on national television. Steve and the security guards try to hold her back, but are sent flying into the audience as Kodos wraps her tentacles around her brother's neck trying to choke him to death.)  
  
Jerry: Kodos, Kodos, stop it! Stop it! That is no way to treat your brother, or my security guards. You get your green slimy butt back in that chair and let's try to talk this over and try to understand each other's sides of the story and reason with each other, and negotiate an agreement between brother and sister.  
  
(Kodos squirms back into the chair letting go of her brother's neck.)  
  
(Jerry asks Kang to explain what happened. Kang does and Kodos immediately after the explanation gets up again and picks up her chair whamming it and banging it on Kang's interplanetary helmet. She is a little successful dinging and denting it a little, but not cracking through it putting the chair through her brother's head.)  
  
Jerry: Damn it! Either cooperate, or I'm going to have to go medieval on your ass.  
  
(The two immediately go back to sitting down scared and frightened of what Jerry might do to them.)  
  
Jerry: Now.Kang don't you think that you did a terrible mistake by sleeping with your sister's partner. I mean don't you think you have a little more decency, a little more respect for her and her life.  
  
Kang: Yes, but that six armed, bug-eyed, beautiful young thing came onto me begging me and asking me to do her. I couldn't help it, I couldn't control my actions, they just came to me, she said she wasn't getting treated properly, or fairly by my sister and thought a man could do the job better. Which it turns out she was right. I can!  
  
Kodos: Why you little piece of flurking schnit!  
  
(Jerry sighs and goes onto his next guests.)  
  
Jerry: Okay, this is going nowhere. My next guests are a couple who just got married, but somehow a secret has made them rethink their marriage and love for each other. Let's bring out my second guest Mr. Anakin Skywalker.  
  
(Anakin comes out with the "Darth Vader Theme" in the background. He tells the sound operator to turn that off furiously and angrily warning him that he might use the Force on him.)  
  
Jerry: Hi Anakin and welcome to the show. So, what brings you here? Did you find out your wife is pregnant with another man? Is that the secret? Or is she really a man? Or does she have a secret kinky fetish? What's the big story?  
  
Anakin: Well, Jerry I just get married to my boyhood, childhood crush and all of sudden I find out that she is.  
  
Jerry: A transsexual? An adult baby? What? What???  
  
Anakin: SHE IS A SPACE SLUT! SHE'S A WHORE! She had sex with my personal friend. My robot for God sakes. What the hell is up with that?  
  
(Crowd "boos" and chants "What a slut!" over and over again in a repetitive, continuous fashion.)  
  
Jerry: Wow! Even Mrs. Robinson didn't have sex with Robby the Robot. This sounds serious! So, what do you plan to do about it?  
  
Anakin: I plan to.  
  
(Suddenly.the deleted scene ends and says "FIND OUT IN STAR WARS EPISODE III: NOT YET TITLED YET.") 


End file.
